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09 October 2018 @ 11:32 pm
Here I am trying to find my old entries
12 November 2013 @ 10:54 pm
Deep in thought tonight about existence. The existence of a thought which comes to us somewhere from the unknown, from the blackness of the universe, from the darkness in the mind. How that thought manifests itself in a word. How the word rolls off the tongue and soon becomes an act it no longer belongs to the person but becomes words. The word carries on free of its owner. The owner is born and dies, but the thought may become infinite.
The same as DNA, where did it come from, where did the first DNA manifest from. Since its beginning it is passed from living being to living being, expressing itself in color, form and face. DNA becomes a person, the person is born and dies, but the DNA carries on, generations expressing the gene.
What about the God Particle, was there a thought that somehow the connection between the essence of matter was a connection to some greater power, that we now had an explanation for our existence and where we came from. Some connection to the great unknown. That great unknown which we tell great stories of.
Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
Current Music: Yusuf
14 May 2012 @ 09:49 pm
90 some, she was at bingo last night
played and didn't miss a number
small, thin, bent over
in her wheel chair
twisted torso
was climbing a chair to
reach her into her cupboard
she fell, she said,
with a loud bang
to the floor
broke one hip then
a year later
broke the other
she sat in her chair
still full of life
eyes bright
still throwing her head back
to let out a wonderful
oh, wonderful Mary
your bright eyes
sing a song of joy
of life before
and life
to come
01 May 2012 @ 08:15 pm
Encountered an old man today
smelled like an old moldy house
cigarette smoke, old piss, decay
no one wanted any part of
he touched a child or
maybe more than one
someday in the past

his thin wrists, rest on
his belly, hanging over
his oily worn pants,
old sweat shirt stained
with drops of sweat, drool

now he sits waiting,
hoping, someone
will care enough
to even say
28 April 2012 @ 09:44 am
went to a MD conference on addictions yesterday. One session was about vicarious trauma. The trauma which is transferred to the person who watches, hears, or treats patients who have experienced trauma. In the ER over the years there have been many moments where the trauma has been overwhelming. As I look back there are moments which I prefer to avoid thinking about. In the beginning it was an adventure and exciting to be able to help and treat patients. Over time I began to know people on my reserve in a deeper way, began to see them in their struggles and in their vulnerability. Began to love them. Then many of them died.
Recently, an elderly woman whom I have known for many years, as a wonderful feisty woman who raised many children and grandchildren on her own, became very ill in a short period of time. While she was under my care in the hospital, she developed a sudden bout of abdominal pain which also triggered an episode of atrial fibrillation, her heart was racing at a face pace with an irregular rhythm. We tried to settle the urgency of her cardiac instability and then packed her into the ambulance. There were no paramedics available to ride with her to the nearest ICU unit so I accompanied her.
As I sat next to her, watching the monitors and making sure the IV lines were dripping as they should, keeping her comfortable and talking to her along the way. She was very unstable but maintained a broken conversation. Her face shedding beads of cold sweat, her hands ice cold. She asked me several times, "Am I going to be okay?" and I would reassure her that she was going to be fine, just one more hill and a few more miles and we would be at the big hospital. Holding her hand tightly, I prayed to the one above to keep her safe, to get her there and get her through all this. In the back of my mind I knew she was close to death and that she would not be with us long. I bargained with the man above, "If she lives, I will stay, If she dies I will leave"
One of my favorite patients passed a few weeks after our ambulance ride, she fought to live but the tubes, the struggle to breathe, the pain, the fatigue took it's toll. This woman who was a great strength to many, could not endure more.
Her funeral was the weekend I packed my last box of books and papers and closed my office door.
07 March 2012 @ 09:44 pm
haven't been on for a long time. looking forward to many changes in life. quit my job. got a new job, in fact a couple of new jobs. leaving home for a bit. just feeling the urge to travel and meet new people. looking to upgrading my skills. looking forward to not being a slave to my old job and peoples problems.
so I'm gonna play. ride small twin engines over the north country. meet people who i've never seen before who need me. laugh. rest. read. learn. just looking forward to playing in a new playground.
09 October 2011 @ 11:10 am
The new house is coming up
the upstairs bedroom window has a
beautiful view of the mountains
the sunset
the old white house
to the left of that picture
sits, still heavy with
violent angry
where a little girl
was taken into
the dark coal room in the old
cracked, cold basement
muzzled, dirtied
returned to daylight
a changed soul
so many years
and now her house
stands towering
above that
an unbroken
09 October 2011 @ 10:50 am
I used to write poetry. I think my words had a kind of rhythm and meaning. but now, for many years the words are lost in the business of the day. The patients who need immediate care, the family members who are in crisis, the paperwork that needs to be done. It has been years of the same and years have passed without a poem.

there is a hunger
no thought of the thing
that will fill that empty deep feeling
I long to write some words
that will fill that void
but they have
escaped me
like a memory
which sits
like an abandoned
on an empty
07 October 2011 @ 11:14 pm
It has been such a long time since I have entered anything but I have been feeling the urge to write. I have not been so incredibly busy in my life. Ever. I feel an emptiness, perhaps from working and not being able to do those things I used to love to do. Haven't payed attention to my garden....all year. My yard looks like a jungle and sometimes I look at it and I could care less.
Building a new house, have poured heart and soul and bank account into it. It will be my sanctuary one day. I wonder some days that building a dream often takes away from immediate dreaming.
My children have taken paths of their own and I am so proud of them. My son has somehow found himself this summer, fell into the Sundance and it saved his soul. He always has been a kind soul but this is like his soul has found a home and he is entirely happy serving his people. My daughter has become a filmmaker, her films have now made it to film festivals...internationally, I am so proud of her. I can't say how much their growth has made me proud and happy.
My love is coming back into my life. I really didn't let him out of my heart.
Spent a whole week on the edge of the world, Haida Gwaii, one of the most beautiful places in this world. Oh how I longed for the peace and solitude of the beaches of Haida Gwaii. Northbeach by Tow Hill, you can stand on the white beach which stretches for miles and miles with no other people but myself and my love. I have spent days alone, walking, thinking, listening to the clean ocean waves. A rhythm which is as old as the ocean and the waves are a measure of eternity. In a cabin close to the beach, no outside contact, no phone, no internet, no electricity. A small propane heater to heat our tidy little one room cabin. Candles and an old kerosene lamp for light. To lay and listen to the crashing of the waves and sometimes the song of rain on a tin roof was its own immeasurable peace to fall asleep to.
Having him close by is in itself a great comfort. I can sleep with him next to me.
07 October 2009 @ 10:26 pm
Can it be said? Can one say, "I have arrived, I have arrived at a new sense of me."? It is like coming to a new place, I arrive to a place of peace, happy with myself and the accomplishments of self. Not of material matters, it is that too, but of what one has overcome in the face of adversity. Happy with what I have done today.

What brought this on? Neonatal resuscitation, a simple thing really, completed with a number of collegues. Was so busy trying to juggle a number of things; schedules, emergency room emergencies, radiators blowing up, boyfriend leaving,that the day just snuck up on me. Read half of the journal and couldn't read anymore. Prepared to come out on the bottom of the group, hoping to at least pass and keep my pride. Sat through the lecture and demo, feeling my cheeks flush and heart race, thoughts of embarrasment, shame among my collegues for not passing. Turns out, I finished before the rest, convinced that I did finish so quickly because I missed all the trick questions, walked out and came back 10 mins later and some were still writing. I passed! Not only that but did well. How does that feel? It feels so good, I am Snoopy after bringing down the Red Baron, my heart is doing a little Snoopy Dance.

I am here, now, I have arrived at a new place. I like it.